Time out of mind....

Well it has been a long time since I was here...
It has been a most strange time recently, with ever increasing pain in my back taking over my world really. There have been ups and downs like never before (no, surely not!!), but finding out that a major cause of all the emotional upset was due to the painkillers the doctor put me on way back in early February, explains alot. It was so easy to assume that the level of depression I found myself in was due to my physical pain, and the many major changes that I went through over the past few months; and yet, when I finally ended up in A&E, no longer able to walk; the doctor asked what painkillers I'd been taking...'tramadol mainly' says I innocently....his response 'I wouldn't give tramadol to a dog! Have you been feeling depressed?'


Hmm. Well, in a way it fits in with my whole blog really - it's another learning curve. One I could have done without, but hey, at least I'm on the other side of it now. 


The back thing? Well, anyone who knows me, knows what pain I've been in out and through. At times, it's stopped me in my tracks. But what's that thing that drives me? the music. I have paused, and stumbled, but it keeps coming out. 
When my op is done (and the surgeon reckons that he'll be able to completely cure me...walking a mile within a week of surgery, and full stamina recovered after 6 weeks), I'm gonna write for England. I've got songs and scores and plots and plans oozing away, that I simply have not had the physical or mental capacity to concentrate on long enough to get out onto paper. But they are not going away these musical fragments, they seem to be waiting for me, luckily, with some patience, until I'm ready to hold them and listen to what they have to say. Then I'll write them down and pass them on. It's like a story that just has to be told. The story exists, beginning, middle, end without the book. All my music has a story within it. and sometimes the stories change a little along the way; but rarely does the the theme differ. There may be a twist in the plot that I didn't know was coming until it presents itself so forcefully that I just have to include it! Others just wander through me and come into existence with few surprises. The more I develop the techniques of composing, the truer I can be to my original intention. When the gap between intention and articulation of sound becomes smaller, the clearer the music becomes. 
No wonder the shortcuts of the 'cut and paste' composer stand out more and more. I am so thankful to Gary for telling me to put away my midi sounds and to write the music away from the piano. I have a long long way to go, but that gap - the intention / articulation gap is way smaller than I could ever have imagined. I guess the more I do it, the clearer it will become.


I am so thankful to my friends and family for (often literally) holding me up. There's not many of my closest people who I haven't phoned for a kind word, when Ive been hurting so much that I didn't know how I was going to make it through that intense moment of pain. All I've needed has been a distraction, just to get me through that little moment. time out of mind. And now I'm nearly there! People have said to me 'you won't know yourself when you are better'.... I've a funny feeling, I've gotten to know myself much more deeply and honestly because of this experience - so I guess I won't know my 'old' self when I'm better, because I've changed. I've pushed myself closer to the edge of reason than I ever dared to look before. It's a dangerous place - but if you go there, at least you know where the boundaries lie.
I have some new friends that weren't there before. I can't wait to go out to play with them without the pain, without the 'sympathy eyes'...it's gonna rock!


I wonder what the music will do now? Post pain. Apres exploding discs. To the next phase of music I bring pain and recovery, I bring love and support, I bring the edge of reason and the glimpse just beyond. I bring absurdities of gigs on crutches and sleepless nights, and laughter and joy and fear. I have a feeling there's something musically brewing...Donald Fagan says 'she has the right dynamic for the new frontier'. I believe he may have a point.